"At the first, from afar she saw him and he was a perfect guy like an angel, like how common people saw him
Everything that he was , was all good
Nothing bad he would do
But when she got close
She could see him as he was not like her thought
He was a human,
but still a lovely and worthy one
And she didn't judge him at all
she still saw him and his beautiful self
And now, she knows him
she knows him like no one knows him
And now she can see him,entirely, him and his bare self
More humane than he was
And she respects that
And she loves him for that he really is, not just because what she thought he was
She loves him for all that he is and all that he is not
She loves him with every edges he has, with every insecurity he tries to cover,with every angers he has for himself , with every regrets about his past
She loves him in his dark , not just in his bright
And with every bad he does, She never forgets how good he is
And the fact that he is the person she loves
But Love is not just an acceptance, but an encouragement, while trusting that the beloved is able to be better"
I've never thought before that I would continue this blog as this was all about an implicit breakdown of mine. But I think, living my life right now, I can write about the happiness I've been feeling and the happiness that's ahead of me :) this is worth everything that i've been going through
What's below may contain the other side of the writer or just the writer being a teenager..... God.... please help the writer
One perfect afternoon, I was in the middle of the sea among beautiful islands on Karimun Jawa. I went snorkeling with my family and some other tourists. Waktu itu cuma dikit orang lompat dari boat buat snorkeling soalnya ombaknya lumayan gede dan aku termasuk dari orang-orang itu. Well, i love swimming especially in the sea ! Aku lompat aja, tapi gak niat snorkeling buat liat2 karang, pengen renang2 aja di ombak segitu. It was quiet tiring, tapi tetep aja fun apalagi sambil liat pemandangan pulau sekeliling meski agak jauh. Waktu itu boatnya nggak dijangkar jadi jalan pelan2. We swam beside it as it still went on. Tapi tambah lama ombaknya tambah tinggi, malah boatnya tuh kaya miring2 dan mau nimpa kita yang lagi renang di sebelahnya ! Jadi aku coba renang agak di belakang boatnya dan agak jauh dikit. Hmmm tambah lama tambah capek berat gara2 ombaknya tambah besar. Aku coba nikmatin aja sambil coba ngeliat kebawah yang banyak karang2 bagus...... So I looked down and........I didn't see any coral . In fact I didn't see anything at all ! It was really dark below and looked veryyyyyyyyyyy deep. Well, I got scared and I decided immediately to look up. I got shocked because i realised that the boat was going quiet far from me already. I swam and swam, but didn't get close enough, in fact I was just fighting the wave and drinking it ~0~ Well, then I was about to give up. I decided to just make myself at least not to drown and still be able to breathe(really, ombaknya kaya nyapu kepala terus) . I moved my legs and arms to get my head always above the water. Deep down there was just scary, but I could see the islands were just beautiful. Then I thought, I couldn't just give up, because jelas kalo aku give up dan ketarik ke dalem ya bakal game over gua. I swam swam and swam and really tried not to look below. It was really exhausting and I was barely breathing but it was what I have to do........ huuuhhh. Terus, aku ngerasa something pulled me sooo strongly, I was struggling to flee but it was just too strong. Dan ternyata it was the lifeguard :"" Gooood, I was really thankful. Then, I and the rest of the group went on board and just went to one of the beautiful islands that i had seen before from the water. God .... what an experience :))
Hmm... and lately i am doing a struggle that feels like it.
These days i have been in a hard time.
*sigh* Yaaa kaya yang keliatan di post2 ini niiih. Tau sendiri lah. ciaaaakkk, gak kebayang sebelumnya bakal ngerasain gini, LAGI ! Tapi ya gimana. Expectation vs Reality kadang menang realitynya. Wehehe. Tapi aku udah jelasin kalo gakmau sedih kan.. Mangkanya, i have me struggling for myself.
Sometimes i feel that it's even hard to breathe, just like when i got lost in the ocean. Feels like the waves wanna sweep me off. The deep down sea was like what's in my past(what has happened). It was like aku pengin ngeliat karang2 bagus di bawah, tapi aku sadar kalo di bawah gak ada apa2 dan nakutin banget. Aku berusaha gak ngelihat bawah lagi... I'm afraid i'll get drown, so I swim swim and swim to survive though it is tiring. I must have something to do to get distracted. I study everytime i can, be busy,go to classes. And in the weekend, i feel that i must go hanging out with friends or travelling with my family. Some pics and posts of it, you can see in my instagram, path , or twitter. I feel that i have to do this a lot to survive. No space for my brain to think bout "what's below", no space for my heart to feel the sadness, no space for me to cry. Everyday has to be just hectic. Ini juga manfaat banget biar malemnya bisa tidur. When I get really tired, in the night surely I go asleep easily. Kalo nggak, i'll get insomnia. I can actually be wide awake for nights and not get sleepy at all during the days.
The worst is, the most frequent thing i think about is giving up. Letting me drown again. But until now, i don't
But all in all, I can see the view of the beautiful islands from here, it is like my expected future. It is what motivates me to keep struggling. :)
Now, I'm waiting for the lifeguard to come saving me. Sometimes i feel that it's gonna be someone from the surface. Sometimes i feel that it is actually myself. I am the one who can safe me. Sometimes i feel that it is actually my surroundings, my family, bestfriends, and all. But sometimes, i feel that it can be a big fish from the deep dark scary sea, meaning : someone from back there(am i even allowed to just think of this possible). I don't know. . Or I should not wait(again) ?
Kadang everything nggak work out. Being busy is just not helping, just distracting(well at least). Trying to move on sometimes is like riding a static bike. It might doesn't get you anywhere, but at least it burns your calorie, (?) Kok pada at least at least terus ya..... Well, at least I do something for me and I think I should be happy and not to be sad. You too..
Some weeks ago, something made me real sad yet surprised
So sad until happy song turned sad So sad until.... just taking glance to my phone made me sad So sad and scared, I was /wuuuuuuh/ I was thinking that maybe things weren't like what they seemed
Picture this :
Your life is a movie....................
Do you imagine the actors and the actresses in it ?
Nah. You must be picturing the main characters. Ones that
take the most scenes, ones that twist the stories, ones that affect how you act
and how you feel
But now try to imagine their movie from their eyes..
Have you ever been thinking that
Sometimes, maybe, in your main character’s movie you are just
a person who walks in a crowded
hallway...
How nothing special you are, how small, how invisible Aku nggak bilang itu pasti. Tapi bisa aja kan ? Well, nothing convinces me, no one
that possibility of the irony was something that surprised me a lot How nothing special, how small, how invisible i could actually be I felt that my feeling was unappreciated feeling like how worthless it was
But there’s also time like, in the movie we were a soldier. We
fought with all of our might. The fight was our current life all about. But do you
remember a war movie that the main character was really strong, like maybe
uhmmm........ transformers. We fought the decepticons with the best of us, but
they could just step on you like you’re nothing and walk along.. How about that
?
I’m very surprised like someone slapped my face
Like whoa.... that actually could happen
We can't blame the other characters perspective. Nggak lah, neither did I back then. Maybe that's how their role should be. Maybe they are really that strong to just step on us. Maybe just me who was weak. Then i was thinking the reversible way Kebalikannya Bisa aja ini cuma kesalahan pemahaman. Kesalahan paradigma. Kalo dilihat dari wider view yang aku pikir penting, mungkin juga nggak sepenting itu. Nggak seharusnya dianggap sepenting itu.
You think it was really big for you, but it’s actually very negligible looked from the whole life Yang bisa nyakitin itu mungkin seharusnya nggak usah sampai nyakitin. Maybe that was just something passes me on a crowded hallway, but it made me stumbling. So what i should do was just walking along
How ironic..
And honestly i was getting confused on how should i take
things....(sampe sekarang sih) But I was taking it seriously, and sooo distraught But then I asked myself What if I don't wanna be hurt anymore ? What if I don't wanna cry again ?
Is that wrong ?Well, it was heard wrong to me People tend to feel something than to feel nothing Rather be hurt than to feel nothing at all But it's actually not. I realized I could be happy. I realized I could just feel the happiness and the joy I'd rather be happy than to feel nothing at all :) Hmmm ... how pain changes people ya...... But then I also realized My life, my movie, in spite of that, was actually perfect And it has always been I have a warm, great, supportive family I have some friends that love me soooo much and who i love soooo much also I have a massive dream that is very possible to reach and becomes so motivating And last but not least, I have a BIG GOD, One that i will always go back to So, i chose to be happy I felt like i have the right to be Hmm......... at least i really chose not to be sad :)) Ngerasa kalo aku nggak sedih, atau aku nggak deket2 sama hal2 yang bisa buat sedih, aku bisa kok bahagia, dan malah sebenernya banyak hal yang lebih bisa buat aku seneng kalo aku nyadar. I was told kalo sakit hati atau sedih itu kita sendiri kok yang buat. Kita sendiri yang ngerelain kita buat ngerasainnya. If we don't want to let ourselves feel it, we won't So I won't let myself to feel sad I took a second look on my life overall, I realized that it was actually so blessed I took a second look on myself overall, I knew that I was actually a very cheerful individual
So i am moving on, living my blessed life and going on, being a cheerful individual ;) /full of love <3/
P.S: there's a song that really motivated me to be strong, at least to feel strong. If you feel weak because of something or someone, you should listen to this !!!!
My teacher picked this song for me and I'm doing this song and this song is the only song who makes me sing while playing the piano. But it was really helping though really hard dividing the focus.
I remember this song was in the first chart on MTV for like 20 something weeks. Kelly was so amazing, I like it. But I certainly don't wanna be so much like the song... I think it tells how people really protect their self and be afraid. It's good actually and it's so likely. I mean like...... What hurt you shouldn't be able to hurt you again, right? But they know and eventually they want their walls will crumble down. And they know actually they hate it being that way.
Because of You
by Kelly Clarkson
I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid!
I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
